DNF

I moved around my apartment, tight with undirected emotion. It had me moving dishes and
pots through the kitchen, eating various foods and sitting intermitently in front of the
computer many times. The blinds were closed and the only light I had on was the hall light.
It lit the whole apt to some dgree, but let the shadows tease my dark mood. Unconsciously,
I was steering the emotions inside me towards a blacker notion, which is my tendancy.
Music was the flavor in my mouth, so I looked through my cds, but, of course, it is so much
easier to play them on the computer, where I have playlists inspired by the total amount of
depression which I can afford. "Drown," by the Smashing Pumpkins, "Four Walled World," by
Temple of the Dog, several songs by Finger Eleven, but the one that I come to so often is
"Seasons,' by Chris Cornell. That song drills into my center. I want that song to play in
the background when I am dying and I mean that.
Soon, I have the song on my computer, as though I had woken up that morning simply to hear
it. I sat down, not sure if I might cry. I can't really say that I wanted to, but I wanted
to release the tightness inside. Slowly, I examined my feeling. Methodically, I learned
what I already knew. Repetatively, I regurgitated this drumming pain.
Someday I will die, I know this. Someday my life will be over, I will cease to be. I will
no longer be able to feel sadness, happiness or eagerness. Yet, I am standing still as time
draws me through it towards tomorrow. As happy as I am with who I am, I am lonely with
myself. Uncontent to live with my failures, shortcomings and habits. Someday I will die
and I know that it will be right before I get it all right.
That's why I am pissed, and I mean that.

~J