Keep Talking
Life is sometimes so hard. I know it sounds stupid to read it like this, but it is. And what someone is going through may be the single hardest thing they have ever dealt with and you might never know what was going on. I sometimes wonder at how stupid we all are. How we protect ourselves and eachother and all the headgames that go down. It seems so much easier to just talk, understand and relate. Life can pass me by when I isolate. When I keep my head down, trying to just survive until I can figure things out is when I lose the most.
Maybe it comes down to trust. I think I figured when I was about 10 that if I could avoid relying on people, I should. People don't just let you down, they can ruin you, make you question who you are, your intelligence, your morals. People, and by that I mean adults, can hurt with only a calculated word. I allowed people to do what they wanted, but I didn't really trust...I went through the motions. That's kinda heavy, really.
So to talk, I have to trust or just not care. I have never gotten to the place where I just don't care, so I force myself to talk. It's hard, but the more I do it, the more I realize that I can deal with the consequences. I can deal with the hurt. I wish I had talked more when I was 10.
Maybe at some point I thought talking led to pain. As an adult, now I see that talking can ease the pain. Talking can avoid pain. I like to talk and I like to resolve things. Some of the most challenging things I have done involved telling someone something that I was feeling. Funny. I have been in some situations as a kid that I look back on and think I should have been terrified, but I felt (at the time) that I knew what I should do. But in some situations where all I have to do is tell someone how I FEEL, I am terrified into inaction. I just turned on "Kepp Talking," by Pink Floyd.
I leave it at that. Once more it is all off the top of my head...
~J
Maybe it comes down to trust. I think I figured when I was about 10 that if I could avoid relying on people, I should. People don't just let you down, they can ruin you, make you question who you are, your intelligence, your morals. People, and by that I mean adults, can hurt with only a calculated word. I allowed people to do what they wanted, but I didn't really trust...I went through the motions. That's kinda heavy, really.
So to talk, I have to trust or just not care. I have never gotten to the place where I just don't care, so I force myself to talk. It's hard, but the more I do it, the more I realize that I can deal with the consequences. I can deal with the hurt. I wish I had talked more when I was 10.
Maybe at some point I thought talking led to pain. As an adult, now I see that talking can ease the pain. Talking can avoid pain. I like to talk and I like to resolve things. Some of the most challenging things I have done involved telling someone something that I was feeling. Funny. I have been in some situations as a kid that I look back on and think I should have been terrified, but I felt (at the time) that I knew what I should do. But in some situations where all I have to do is tell someone how I FEEL, I am terrified into inaction. I just turned on "Kepp Talking," by Pink Floyd.
I leave it at that. Once more it is all off the top of my head...
~J
posted by Voodstoc at 7:08 PM
3 Comments:
This really doesn't surprise me. Especially after the conversation that we had on the phone tonight. Or the post on my blog last night. Shit I know I dont have it bad. But for me the life I lead is simply not the place in wish I envisioned myself to be. For that I must press forward. Push forward, keep moving, keep learning, keep growing. Time passes us by and we tend to not notice it because of all the power we place on the daily living called life. Just getting by trying to figure out what the next sensible move is. Just getting by, I am sick of just getting by.....
I am very moved you guys, sharing experience and your voice is the single most powerful thing you can do. Human interaction is an amazing thing, and often I to am surprised by other people who don't hold my opinions and beliefs, and realize we often do share the same opinions and beliefs on some level. Speaking your truth can be painful, but if you don't feel the pain, you can't heal. So get it out there, baby, scream it if you have to!
p.s. Jeremy you just totally helped me, thank you.
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