Not Quite Feeling Myself, Today
Times they are a changin'. Times like this, I think about who I am and who I might have been at one time. And if I am the same. Am I really the same, or have I become a new me? Then what is death and why do I fear it?
Although that explains why I fear my own actions. It seems like we all strive so hard to learn and grow, but yet, we are dying with every grain of truth we glean from this world. Pale deaths. 'These are the pale deaths which men miscall their lives.' That is what he meant, I think. The pale deaths, the lies. Life is right now, at this very moment making me harder, colder, more cynical. Right now, life is making me die, giving birth to this new person who will eat my food, ride my bikes, play with my kids. This new person will answer to my name, masturbate with my dick, my hand, to his own fantasies. There used to be a me, long ago, that didn't admit to masturbating. While this me makes sure everyone knows. There was a me that didn't think about the ugly moments in my childhood. This updated me can't stand to ignore and pretend that I wasn't affected. An old me, somewhere years ago, tried not to hurt people, but did it anyway. Well, some things don't die. Except this me has seen that people hurt eachother in so many ways, that pain is unavoidable. This me thinks that maybe it's better when they just get it over with. There was a me that was alone, felt lonely, but knew that he didn't have to be alone. This me knows that to live is to feel alone much more than anyone will admit to. The world, it is cold and grey. And people face their world in many ways. There is excitement to be had, defenses to be constructed and maintained.
Pale deaths indeed.
This me has let anybody who understands into my thoughts, maybe even my heart. This me feared the pain of confusion, and survived. This me took the risks and loved, trying to deal with the inevitable pain, trying to understand. Right now, in this moment, whoever I am, I can't remember why I thought it would all be worth it. Another pale death. When you see me, I will look the same. I will joke about touching myself. I will smile and listen, but I will be someone else. This me is starting to realize that people aren't understandable. People aren't trustworthy. People aren't perfect.
Death will do that to you.
People don't have the answers. Forgive yourself, then let them go...Don't look back, you see?
The ending is kind of cheesy, but it is what I get from all that shit before it. Hopefully you get what my point is. I'm interested to know what you think. Sarge is barred from replying, since he has nothing useful to post about my writings.
~J
5 Comments:
Paul-
"As you judge, so shall you be judged; as you are kind, so shall kindness be
shown to you." - Jesus
Julie
Man, I thought you were going to make it, but you gave in right at the end with the whole god thing...You know, I notice that people talk about Jesus alot on MY blog....What's up with that?
~J
Paul of I am all WOMAN. Wanna debate a little?? ;)
~Julie
Paul
Here is what you have been waiting for......
Your insight as usual, is at the very least interesting. However, I was not expecting to debate about who you think I am. I do however have to respect what you say to some extent because it is human nature to pass judgement on others. Needless to say I do find it a contradiction as to your "strong" Christian beliefs to toss words around in such a cruel manner. Paul I know you are a imperfect creature of God, that you will seek his forgiveness for the things you say and the way you act out at others. For that I am grateful. As for what you think I am in this world, that is whatever you want me to be. For I know the truth about who I am and the intentions that drive me to the decisions I make. Even the decisions to write back to such a insulting post like yours. My life is not boring or drab, nor do I live to read what you write. Are you interesting? Of course, do I need your attention? No. Notice how I havent mentioned your drain analogy? That is simply because it is none of your business what is or is not going on between Jeremy and I. You will have your opinion which again you are entitled to. I do however understand that your opinion gets formed from that which you are told. That will be a conversation to be had a later time.
Until you rip on me again (cause at this point you want the attention)
~Cheers
Surrendering to your deep seeded depravity, I anticipate a frenzied collision of sweaty skin, sex and sin when the three of you finally forgoe this blogging, mutual-masturbation and unite in a dirty motel room.
Don't forget the camera.
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