We're Moving

I am moving footnotes over to MySpace.com. Basically because it is more customizable, or at least easier.

http://www.myspace.com/kidsbike

Check it out.
~J

Waterfall

Sometimes I worry that I think about my own death too much. Every night before I go to sleep, I lay in bed and one of my last waking thoughts is usually, "Someday I will die. Maybe tomorrow, maybe when I am 80, but I will die." At that point, I usually get a tingling feeling in my groin. That feeling is fear.

It's not that I live my life in some way as to avoid my death. That, to me, would be wasting my life... Sort of like saving wine until it turns to vinegar in order to preserve the taste. I don't worry too much about the future because I know that I will survive to the best of my ability, which has worked so far.

I fear the ending. I am convinced that there is no heaven, no deities waiting to embrace me. When I die, I hope that my essence will exist, but I see nothing to make me believe this. But I have mused that death would be a great test. Something that is completely unknown, unfathomable would test anyone. Death will test us all.

If you have children, or can remember your childhood, then you probably have seen the fear that children have about their own, as well as their parent's, demise. They can't wrap their minds around ending, leaving their body or anything else we are told about death. It is hard for me to talk to my little ones, being an atheist, because I have no reassuring fables to offer them in good conscience. All I can do is to tell them that life is here, now and death is someday.

And that is what I tell myself, before I sleep.

Life is today, death is someday and until that time, I will live with my eyes open. And when the ice-cold river that is death takes my mortal legs out from under me, I will not try to hold back the flow. I will try to float toward the destination of the current.

~J

Grinding Teeth

Frustration. I fight it daily, sometimes minute to minute. When I get moody, my tolerance goes down and that is when I have to work. Lately I have been getting very frustrated and it sucks. the only thing that helps is riding, but I can't do that much these days. Tired of having to work so damned hard most of the time. I deal with Gary at work, Toby at home, Becky and everyone else who wants something from me daily. I know that most people deal with this shit, but I want a vacation. i want to win the lottery and run away. That is my plan...beats going to a tower with a gun.
~J